It’s a well-accepted tenet of parenting that bribes are a bad idea, used only by desperate parents. But virtually all parents use them from time to time. So why do “experts” always give this advice?

1. Because children shouldn’t be “rewarded” for behavior they should do anyway.

I don’t find this reason convincing. All of us need some incentive to do the right thing and give up something we want. Just because your child “should” obey you instantly without an argument the first time you tell him it’s time to leave the playground doesn’t mean he will. There are lots of things we “should” do that we’re more likely to do if we see that there’s something in it for us. For young children, that might be looking forward to a book before lunch.

Conclusion: Looking for a “Win/Win” solution that meets both our desires and our child’s desires is not bribery. The key is to offer the “reward” in advance, by looking for a way to make the situation work for everyone. Don’t offer the reward in the middle of misbehavior, because that trains kids to misbehave to force you to give them a reward. (What about physical incentives, like toys? See #4 below.)

2. Because when kids get older, they won’t get rewards for doing what they’re supposed to do.

Actually, they’ll get a paycheck for doing their job. They’ll get a tax break for donating to a good cause. If they eat right and take care of their bodies, they’ll be rewarded with good health. So this objection isn’t always true. Even if it’s true that the world doesn’t necessarily reward good behavior, there’s a fundamental flaw in the argument. Just because we’re preparing kids for a cold, cruel world, we don’t make them sleep without blankets. We raise them to be the kind of person who’s empowered to create more warmth in the world, for themselves and for others. We empower them to find blankets.

Conclusion: Not a convincing reason to refrain from incentives. Again, the caveat holds that these incentives are established in advance, not pulled out under duress when a child is misbehaving.

3. Because when children are rewarded for a desired behavior (sharing, reading, eating broccoli) they actually do less of the behavior.

Now, this is convincing. Research shows that rewarding a child for a behavior communicates that the behavior must be unpleasant, since you “have to be rewarded” for doing it. Unfortunately, this is true not only for material rewards but even for the reward of praise (Research shows that “Good sharing!”makes kids share less — unless an adult is watching.)…

– Laura Markham

Read More: What’s So Bad About Bribing Your Child?

Photo Source – iStock